It Should Be Illegal To Anchor Babies To The Ground

I’ve seen a lot of talk about this lately, so I just want to go on the record: anchoring babies to the ground should be outlawed.

It’s disgusting to me that there are parents who would do this in order to cross our borders more easily. Do they even know what an anchor is? I’ll tell them: it’s a heavy metal object designed to stop boats from moving due to wind or currents—not a plaything for toddlers migrating across our southern deserts. Anchors are excellent for mooring ships but terrible for rooting children to the Sonora.

I can understand putting babies on leashes, tagging them with geolocators, or penning them in with agricultural fencing—I am not in any way against infant safety. But the practical problems of anchoring babies are simply too numerous. Are we talking high-tensile steel claws here? What about folding grapnels? Sure, they’re secure, but everyone knows they’re not going to toehold anything with windage. And how are the babies tethered? Galvanized steel chains with three-strand nylons are standard, but that seems like overkill for the application we’re talking about. And what happens when you need to unhook the shackle from a dirty diaper? There goes your baby, drifting like tumbleweed across Gadsden’s Folly.

I don’t know how I can make this any more plain: Babies are not watercraft. Full stop.

Bar graph of # of babies and anchors
I’ve seen the stats, and they’re alarming.

The only thing I’m not clear about is how a border wall is supposed to help the situation. After all, these babies are firmly chained to cacti. Only a few incredibly strong babies are going to be able to break free, and—let’s be honest for once—we want those Kryptonian children as part of our society. We should expand our visa programs so that they can start their journalism careers right away.

And another thing. Generally, I’m not in favor of amending our Constitution—it’s been the same for 225 years for a reason—but on this issue I’m going to agree with the people I saw on TV while waiting for my oil change: end birthrights. No newborn should automatically get rights just because their mother pushed him out of her baby-hole. Babies should have to earn those rights, preferably by waiting until they’re 18 and paying at least half of their car insurance premiums.

Look, I don’t follow politics much, but I do know that Donald Trump is right: We need to make American food great again. There are far too many Mexican restaurants in our country, not to mention Chinese and Thai places that are kind of the same most of the time. And do we know why there are so many of these delicious outposts of foreign governments? Because their restaurant workers are able to leave their children securely docked near El Paso. Think how much work we could get done if we could do that with our kids.

It just proves that they’re the smart ones, and we’re as stupid as hell.

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