Birth control pills.

Planned Parenthood Would Like to Remind You About Its Affordable Pap Smears

With all the hullabaloo in the media recently, Planned Parenthood would like to remind everyone of its many affordable gynecological services. They offer a full range of important medical procedures to women from all walks of life, and none of them involve selling anything to anybody for research purposes.

One of the key services they offer is a pap smear. For those of you who may not be aware, a pap smear is like a car inspection for a cervix. As with a normal pap smear you can get from other providers, Planned Parenthood’s pap smears follow accepted medical procedures and do not violate anyone’s moral sensibilities. They are offered at reasonable prices, making them accessible to women of all income ranges, and never involve negotiations with third-party firms that do something with some stuff that it’s best not to think about.

Another major health service Planned Parenthood provides is testing for STDs and HIV. These tests play a vital role in promoting personal health and preventing the spread of disease. Think of STDs as what you get when you drive a Yaris into the Outback—you probably should have asked more questions at the rental counter. Planned Parenthood doesn’t want you to lose sight of this valuable public health service, which is fully independent from anything you might not want to know, which Planned Parenthood can’t remember ever hearing about before anyway. But now that we’re speaking about it, let’s stop.

Sarah Silverman tweet
A helpful reminder.

Speaking of nothing, Planned Parenthood wants you to recall that all of its basic medical services are in no way connected to the other things it may do in adjacent buildings on the same grounds with the same staff. All of the funding it receives from the government is entirely separate from anything that’s uncomfortable to discuss. This is, in fact, federal law, as instituted by the Hyde Amendment, which was fortuitously named after a real Congressman.

Another important service that Planned Parenthood would like the general public to focus on is birth control. Also known by its Linnaean name, contraception, birth control is the means by which people can enjoy themselves with their partners (non-business variety) while not saddling the rest of their short existence with insatiably demanding and incorrigibly delightful children. You might think of birth control as a kind of emissions control for uteruses. The nice thing about Planned Parenthood’s contraceptive offerings, in contrast to many other medical providers, is that they are not in any way associated with providing researchers with unspecified tissues at wholesale. In fact, birth control actually prevents the situation which Planned Parenthood would like you not to raise with anyone ever. Indeed, the entire reason for Planned Parenthood’s existence is to help people avoid unwanted thinking about stuff that they don’t want to even consider thinking about. However, the people at Crisis Don’t Think About It Centers don’t want you to know that. Jerks.

But perhaps that’s going too far. If there’s one thing that Planned Parenthood and its critics can agree on, it’s this: let’s not think about what the real issue is here. The real issue is broader and perfectly legal. It’s more complex and difficult to contemplate, because it involves sensitive body parts. The real issue, as we all know, is breast exams. You can think of breast exams as kicking the tires on females. Let’s all think about that instead.

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