36 Reasons I Hate This

1. It’s dumb.
2. I’m writing it.
3. Ergo, I am dumb.
4. That’s not a proper syllogism.
5. It’s dumb again.
6. You’re reading it.
7. Ergo, you may be dumb.
8. That’s better, I guess?
9. It makes a point that’s fully communicated by its headline.
10. It’s a virulent form of narcissistic nostalgia.
11. If it had pictures it would be much better.
12. Ergo, putting effort into painfully elaborating things easily recovered by our self-indulgent memory is a waste of authorial dignity,
13. since all you need is some pictures.
14. But philosophy’s not my strong suit—
15. Probably why I can’t stop reading these things myself—
16. Something of a compulsion.
17. It likely stems from my poor relationship with my own memory.
18. In a healthy mind, thought would be organized in narratives and theories providing structure, drive, and satisfaction to our perpetually meaning-making existence.
19. Instead, a perpetually fracturing swarm of media outlets devalues the importance of linear thinking and organic composition in favor of packets of apportioned attention.
20. This emerging androidity transforms integrated thought into splintered pathways rutted by the compulsive need to click, scroll, and swipe past comforting reminders of our cultural patrimony,
21. substituting the experience of punctuated self-appraisal for the flowing pleasures of well-tended stories and artful perspectives.
22. It’s yet more false comfort to blame technological currents for this efflorescence of stupidity,
23. But in reality it’s you and me.
24. Probably mostly you.
25. Especially if you share this or tack it up in your room.
26. I’m sorry for stooping to insults,
27. but I’ll leave the accusation hanging.
28. No—take that back—reverse the premise.
29. I created this piece of pseudo-intellectual clap-trap
30. and theatrically flourished it from the get-go,
31. when all I had to do
32. was write the headline
33. and forgo the guilt.
34. I can be sorry I wrote this,
35. but I can’t really be sorry that
36. I’m dumb.

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A note on “Struggles with Listicles:” Since listicles are destroying civilization, I’ve decided to contribute to its development as an art form. Others in this series can be found here.