Welcome back, TV Recap! readers! Last time, we covered the Republican Presidential Debate and Airplane Hangar, which was a fantastic funeral oration for Scott Walker. Last night, I accidentally discovered another political event while trying to watch Adventure Time on CN, the Cartoon Network. It was the Democratic Presidential Debate! Since my thumb-muscles were already tired and this guy named Jim Webb reminded me of Lumpy Space Princess, I decided to leave it on. And boy, did I learn something! Specifically, I learned that eating a plastic barrel of Cheetos while drinking Blue Cherry Gatorade Thirst Quencher makes your hand-veins iridescent and your toe-muscles crushingly powerful. It also may blur the line between reality and hand-drawn animation, so no promises about the accuracy of my reporting here. But I’m liking my new-style open-toed Crocs, which are held together by just a strip of holes.
So, to the show! What an incredible, awe-inspiring group of candidates. One of these five people is going to win the Democratic nomination for the Presidency, unless Joe Biden can get America excited by weirdly rubbing her shoulders. Even if Biden does run, this means that Lincoln Chafee is way too close to being our President. But since the Democrats are only voting for cartoons this year, there’s not too much to worry about. Chafee will always comically spring back from having an anvil dropped on his head, repeatedly and to no deterrent effect. He is truly an animated block of granite.
Despite my initial hopes, less inspiring things can be said about Jim Webb, the former Secretary of the Senate Navy. I admired his grasp of foreign policy nuances such as the countries of Russia and Syria, and appreciate that he is really petulant about being in a debate that no one wanted him in. But I’m concerned that he doesn’t really want to be President. It’s apparent from watching him and his carefully inoffensive answers that he wants to be elected President of American Legion Post 35 in Norfolk, Virginia. Has anyone spoken to him about this? Shouldn’t someone go to his home in the Chesapeake Bay, ask to be allowed aboard his restored CSS Manassas, and tell him that Earle has really been angling for that office?
Of course, that leaves three main contenders: Martin O’Malley…. Okay, that leaves two main contenders: Bernard Sanders and…. Okay, that leaves one main contender: Hillary Clinton. But let’s go back to O’Malley for a second. O’Malley impressed me the most because I previously thought the least about him. He exceeded my non-existent expectations. He performed way beyond what I didn’t conceive. Most impressively, his steely gaze and sandpapery voice mesmerized Ändersson Coöpersson, who became captivated by a vision of cowboy life under the warm Nevada sun that could cure him of his unfortunate albinism. If only the rest of Cööpersson’s native village on the Svalbard archipelago could experience liberation from their dark and lovelorn lives.
While O’Malley was charming Cööperssön, Bernie Sanders gave an equally compelling performance as Marley’s ghost. Most of his answers involved wild gesticulations sparked by the metaphorical chains of a deeply regrettable, miserly existence. Yet despite all the chain-rattling and hand-waving, he could not land a blow on Hillary, who was standing just a few feet from him and easily defending Scrooge McDuck from attack. In fact, Sanders gave Hillary a boost when he accidentally swiped her server off the campaign table. I’m not sure that’s the kind of bumbling Presidential leadership we’re looking for. Perhaps he ought to borrow one of Tiny Tim’s crutches and beat her over the head with it before using it to do something nasty to Donald Trump.
And that brings us to the 800-pound pant suit—the master dissimulator, the sultan of swing votes, the queen of the circular ring, the fairy of flip-flops: Hillary Clinton! Boy, was she sharp. I’ve watched a lot of cartoon parodies of her, but I’ve always wondered what really animates her—what her deep, abiding principles and inner values are. Tonight, she provided the answer: she consists of many finely tuned, tightly coiled cobras. She is happy to dance to the public’s tune, but able to strike with venomous intent at any time. It certainly is a formidable package—all hail the Cobra Lady! Her hair flaps widen when threatened.
Of course, I still don’t know who I support or which political party favors Snoopy. So, to help matters along, I’ve done another one of my helpful sorting activities. This time, it’s a matching game. Use the picture below to play. First, select the fictional character on the right that you most admire. Next, draw a line from each candidate to the figure you think best represents them. A voila! Your choice is made! I’ve gone ahead and filled mine out.
A final note about the moderators: I was immensely pleased to see Bana Dash (sp.?) asking questions again. She continues to do a bang-up job of looking feral. Her questions were batty, surgically precise, and slathered with knowledge. I hope the Cartoon Network keeps her as part of these debates, although I wish they would draw her with more realistic human features.
I was less impressed with the one black guy that no one had ever heard of before, who was allowed to introduce another anonymous black guy to ask a question about black guys. However, he was allowed to introduce someone else’s question, too, although only a question from a white woman, who we all know exists somewhere between a poor Appalachian coal miner and an Asian honor student on the totem pole of accepted ethnoracial grievance. The Latino guy got to ask his own Latino questions, though. Massive props to the illustrators on that one. No one could have guessed it was a cartoon.