Office worker outlines

I’m Sorry, You’re Too Attractive To Work Here

We were really looking for someone with an asymmetrical irregularity to their face or a promising sense of style marred by poor grooming habits. It could be anything, really: a nose that bends weirdly to one side, hair that smells like cheddar, or just a strange distribution of body fat around the shoulders. Unfortunately, you don’t possess any of these characteristics, so I’m afraid you wouldn’t fit in very well. Too many people here would find you disturbing.

I hope I’m not being too discouraging—it’s a tough job market out there, especially for someone who appears to be flawless. Of course, don’t let me give you a complex—I’m happy to say that the corners of your mouth turn down in a kind of unusual, pouty way, and your large eyelashes distract from the wondrous azure of your eyes…wait, never mind, those are things that are part of your stunning appearance. It also doesn’t help that you are wearing glasses that make you look intelligently innocent, and a simple but elegant watch that calls attention to the extraordinary beauty inherent in the bony bump of your ulna. The point is, none of us want your kind of employee around here.

Now, I’m not allowed to discriminate on the basis of your gender, color, creed, or sexual orientation, but there’s nothing that says I can’t be put off by your good looks. And though I can’t tell your age and I’m not allowed to ask about it, I’m going to go ahead and spitball some guesses. You look 25, which is irritating in itself, but according to your resume, you spent a number of years in the Peace Corps and are probably actually 35, which is really hard to believe. At our company, no one is going to understand how living in a yurt in Mongolia hasn’t damaged the poreless silicone that is your baby-like skin. I do understand that it’s superior genetics, but our staff are simply not going to appreciate working with a finely sculpted android.

Don’t get me wrong—we don’t want ugly people. We want people that are pleasant to look at but never make us think, “I would happily kill another person to make a child with that” or “I hear what you are saying but am actually, in my mind, making love to your clavicle.” Our employees can possess wonderful personalities and therefore be attractive on the inside, but if they’re truly, rapturously beautiful on the outside, then it’s not going to work. If you had an unusual case of hives or a chin that was more jutty, that would have really helped.

In fact, your personality is a problem. It is wonderful, warm, and self-deprecating. I appreciate that you recognize that you make people uncomfortable by virtue of your gorgeous face and incredible physique, and that you are pretending to be a “geek” and like “science” to put them at ease. You have really committed to that role, and seem to have actually learned a lot from your Master’s program in biochemistry despite being given good grades for your gob-smacking appearance. However, I don’t think any of us are comfortable with someone who inquires quite so thoughtfully about our personal welfare and expresses such a natural, unforced sympathy. It just isn’t part of our office culture.

So thank you for your interest. I’m sure you’ll find employment elsewhere, such as at Stanford’s Center for Yacht Research or America’s Next Top Model: Guys and Girls. Best of luck. Oh, and could you tell the next candidate to come in? Talk into her left ear, because her right is deformed. I’ve got a good feeling about her.

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