Chapel exterior

How Are We Supposed to Get In This Church?

I knew we should have been on time; we could have followed someone in. Now what do we do, Doyle?

Okay, you head around to the right, and I’ll head around to the left. If you spot an entrance, coo softly like a dove. If you mistakenly wander into a Sunday school class, just act natural. I’m sure you could come up with something inoffensive to say about Paul’s letter to the Colossians. I can just meet you at the restaurant afterwards.

Wait, is that a doorway over there? Oh, it’s just to the preschool building.

I knew we should have never accepted the invitation to their christening. We haven’t been to an Episcopalian church in years. How are we expect to find our way in? All their churches were built in the 1970s. They’re shaped like buckyballs. I only hope this sanctuary isn’t landscape oriented. Have you managed to see if their interior is on Google Maps yet, Doyle? Well, I guess it was worth a try.

Hey, here’s a door!

Nope, boiler room.

Wait, here comes someone! Let’s follow her. Not too close! Act like we parked over here. Okay, I know we’re in a dry stream bed, but can you just play it cool? Oh no, she’s going to the Family Life Center. I do not want to play in a charity basketball game right now. Quick! Back the other way!

Is than an entrance? No, someone seems to have left unhinged doors leaning against a wall. Why would they do that? I think it was on purpose.

Just be quiet for a second. Okay, I hear the choir. They’re on the other side of that window, so we’ve pinpointed where the sanctuary is. Drop a pin on your phone and then I’ll track the number of steps it takes to circumnavigate the building on my activity tracker…wait, there’s a door! It’s attached to the frame! And I can hear the minister on singing on the other side! Whew, thank the Lord, let’s go in—NO, wait! I’ve figured something out! This door opens to the front in the sanctuary! Darn it, we can’t go in that way. I’d absolutely die of embarrassment.

There! We finally found it. Alright, we’re inside now! Odd that the entrance was a set of glass doors with glass handles and glass door frames—it was literally invisible. But now the question is, which way do we go? This seems to lead to the fellowship hall—oh, that is definitely the smell of Brunswick stew. The other way appears to be increasingly dominated by Bible crafts and shorter and shorter water fountains. There’s got to be another way. Do you think we’re on the wrong floor? Let’s try to find some stairs or chutes and ladders.

Okay, there’s another couple! They are definitely not dressed for a charity basketball game. Let’s catch up. Hey, I know them! They go here! Come on, I’ll introduce you. Just remember to act casual, okay Doyle?

“Hi, how are you? This is my husband, Doyle.”

“Nice to meet you. Did you just arrive too, right now, exactly like us? Wow, what a coincidence. That’s what traffic will do. It’s a fuckin’ bitch!”

“Doyle!”

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