Your Cold Is Making Me Miserable

I didn’t want to say anything, but I’m very concerned about you. You don’t seem to be feeling well. Have you considered going to the doctor by yourself?

Whatever bug you picked up, it’s clearly got you down. You should drink a lot of fluids and spend more time in the bathroom. I’ll put some reading materials on the back of the tank and some bedding on the floor, just in case you’d like to lie there with the door firmly shut.

Have you taken anything for it? Is it possible that the Tylenol is having a completely opposite effect than it’s intended to and making you worse? No, I guess not. I only ask because you’re making a lot of faces I’ve never seen before. I’m very worried about your health and my personal welfare. Let me feel your forehead to see if there are any demons inside. Well, there’s no cure except lots of rest and not talking.

Believe me, though, I know how it feels. I’ve been there plenty of times. And I know that the most important thing you can do is take care of yourself so you can be fun to hang around again. Otherwise, you’re just going to feel worse about me going to a movie. Plus I’d hate to see you spend more time away from work. Your co-workers will really miss having your behavior to talk about, and I can only complain to the cat so much.

No, no—don’t protest! No sense making us both miserable—please just make yourself miserable. You deserve that much, at least, and probably a lot more. You’re always trying to do too much, and sometimes you just need to take care of yourself, before someone takes care of you, if you get my drift.

So why don’t you go to bed early so I can have the TV to myself? I think you’ll feel better. Go ahead and use my pillows to get comfortable—I don’t mind, because you’ve already taken them and I don’t want you to grunt at me anymore. Cuddle up with a good book and some chamomile tea, and I’ll see you in the morning of whatever day you’re back to normal. Here, I’ll just close the door and prop up a chair under the knob. If you need anything, feel free to get it.

I promise not to make any noise by washing dishes or taking out the trash. I know those are things you like to do. In fact, it probably burns you up to think about how useless you are. Don’t think about it when I mention it. You’ll soon be up and about, busying yourself with all the things that you like to do that makes my life easier. In the meantime, enjoy your box of crackers and don’t go to the trouble of bothering me. Really, it’s no problem. Those aren’t the brand of crackers I like.

Just know that I love you and your normal personality. I hope it gets well soon.

Fake greeting card

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