Week 8 in the NFL is shaping up to be a thrilling set of contests! I’m so excited, I just can’t hide it, because I’m bad at hiding things. Regardless, this week marks the end of the first half of the NFL season. We can all start looking forward to the NFL being over and getting back to 17 more Republican debates. On to the injury predictions!
Miami Dolphins at New England Patriots, Thursday: Miami defensive tackle C. J. Mosley will suffer his 2,953rd subconcussive impact since beginning play as a nine-year old in a Pop Warner league. This will not be noticed because the effects will show up some decades later in memory loss, confusion, and untreated severe depression. Also, the announcers will focus on Tom Brady.
Detroit Lions at Kansas City Chiefs which is really at London’s Wembley Stadium: The Chief’s chief running chief, Jamaal “Chief” Charles, will have his leg briefly chewed off by an actual lion that escaped from the world-renowned Zoological Society of London, where animals smoke pipes and discuss their intrepid adventures in the world abroad. Apologizing profusely, the lion will recruit amateur silverback physicians from the ZSL’s fruitful partnership with the Royal Society of London, who will quickly stitch Charles’s leg back on while the entire stadium, smoking pipes and fascinated by this new form of surgery, watches. However, compounding the London animals’ embarrassing faux pas, the dapper lion calls Charles “chum” instead of “chief.” More hilarity ensues.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Atlanta Falcons: Sailing in on their scurvy chum of a pirate ship, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers will bring a curse of flooding to the low-lying Atlantean plains before getting hopelessly lost in the Falcons’ cunning and byzantine suburbs. Atlanta cornerback Travis Howard will subsequently find Tampa Bay’s third-string running back and piledrive him into an unseen underwater hazard. A week later, the Tampa Bay population will be decimated by a trident-wielding horde of mer-people.
Arizona Cardinals at Cleveland Browns: The entire Arizona defensive and offensive lines will experience a mysterious stomach illness that will later be determined to be caused by flecks of the Browns’ helmets flying into their mouths. An investigation will conclude that using fecal pollutants drawn from the Cuyahoga to decorate Cleveland sports teams is against environmental laws. Unfortunately, they are the environmental laws of Canada, meaning Cleveland can keep using sickening colors.
San Francisco 49ers at St. Louis Rams: The head coach of the St. Louis Rams, a singular Mr. Coach Jeffrey M. Fisher, is a humorous fellow who enjoys playing impractical jokes (“Wow! Who super-glued the bathroom door shut? I guess we’re trapped in here now! <Snicker>”). What he does not enjoy is relying on rookie running back Todd Gurley for most of his team’s offensive production. Therefore, a curious incident will occur during this game in which all five St. Louis running backs wear the same #30 Gurley jersey, in a desperate attempt to buy the star player some rest. Unfortunately, the scheme will backfire when Fisher calls a play requiring all five running backs to line up in an I-formation. Each of them comically runs into each other, owing to the strange appearance of a fog machine. Fisher is seen snickering briefly on the sideline.
New York Giants at New Orleans Saints: Sparked by a dispute between which city more impressively surpasses their old-world counterparts, Giants quarterback Eli Manning will suffer a sprained right ankle and partial loss of his foot (which will, oddly enough, improve his touchdown-to-interception ratio in future games). As he’s being carted away, he’ll be heard to shout: “Let the banner of York fly high! Huzzah! Huzzah!”
Minnesota Vikings at Chicago Bears: Basically, everyone dies. Oops. Spoiler alert.
San Diego Chargers at Baltimore Ravens: Battling against a string of injuries to his hip flexor, groin, ACL, MCL, rotator cuff, lactic acidosis, tennis elbow, acute mountain sickness, and autonomic nervous system, Chargers’ running back Danny Woodhead will tape up both of his legs and revolutionize the sport by springing from left leg to right leg in a gingerbread-man-like running maneuver. His triumph will be brief and tragic, however, as on the next play the Ravens will break both his arms. Exhibiting indomitable spirit, the coach will force the quarterback to simply wedge the football into Woodhead’s facemask on handoffs.
Cincinnati Bengals at Pittsburgh Steelers: Two fierce divisional rivals face-off in a clear demonstration of Cincinnati quarterback Andy Dalton’s superior athleticism, intelligence, and humor writing. Dalton’s magnificent outing will humiliate every Steeler defensive back by breaking their cups and sending them to the hospital, talking in a high voice. They will forgive him because he also lightened their day with gentle satire.
Tennessee Titans at Houston Texans: In Norway, “Texas” is slang for “crazy.” Yet few people know that in Singapore, “Tennessee” is slang for “dengue fever.” Since neither any Norwegian nor Singaporean will watch this game, they have no idea how bad it can get.
New York Jets at Oakland Raiders: The surprisingly competent Jets face the surprisingly competent Raiders in a unsurprisingly incompetent game. For the rest of the season, both teams will be terrible. Also, Jets center Nick Mangold will suffer a scary neck injury. That’s not a prediction—that happened last week.
Seattle Seahawks at Dallas Cowlittleboys: The mighty Seahawks will crush all the collarbones of the puny, itty-bitty, pixie-like figurines that constitute the Dallas Bovine Boy Team. The Tiny Cattle Men will regret not being as tough and awesome as their arch-rival, the Washington Palescalps. I mean the Washington Pastywhites. I mean the Washington Redassholes. Man, what do you call Washington when you don’t want to offend an entire group of people?
Green Bay Packers at Denver Broncos, Sunday night: Payton Manning will have his helmet knocked high on his forehead, causing his hair to recede further and giving his braincase the wounded but noble aura of a champion 25th-century homo superiores.
Indianapolis Colts at Carolina Panthers, Monday night: The premiere event of the week is Monday night’s clash between the resurgent Colts and the indomitable Panthers. Cam Newton will be inexplicably concussed by running headlong into another 350-pound armored man, causing the NFL head office to issue new rules that require defensive linemen to tackle quarterbacks via pulling off their velcro hip-flags. So screw you, Indianapolis Baby Horses. Let’s go Panthers!