In a surprising turn of developments, I here, today, now, and in soon-to-be-regretted internet perpetuity, announce and declare that I am running for the office of the Presidency and the job you have to get to be able to redecorate that office. My goal? To make America, again. My vision? To be President. My motto? “Stride for Greatness.” My campaign platform? We need to walk more.
Some people think you need detailed policy positions, well-developed political instincts, deep knowledge of world affairs, and a cavalcade of consultants, managers, fundraisers, blatantly coordinated super PACs, and blatantly uncoordinated hit teams. I am here to prove that the conventional wisdom is wrong: I can lose just as easily without these things. Instead, I propose a simple, grassroots, crowd-funded, insufferable simpleton’s message: Let’s stroll, America!
My ideas are not new. They’re not even plural. In fact, they go back to the founding of our Republic, when I think people wore horseshoes. Today, we are much luckier than our founding slave-owners. But luck has nothing to do with it—we’ve earned our inherited wealth. My own grandparents, who were born without the ability to walk, pulled themselves up by their own booties and, having attained the American dream, taught my parents how to walk. This was a hard task at the time, because my parents were early hominids and did not have a large vocabulary or the capacity for complex grammar—but they knew they wanted a better life for me and my fellow clan-warriors. I still recall the wonderful evening walks we would take around the neighborhood; my parents would occasionally turn to me and say, rapidly, “oog-oog, car coming!” There were no sidewalks in our affluent leafy suburb, but we managed.
Some of you may wonder about my overqualifications, lack of real-world experience, intrinsic unlikability, and mental instability. Well, let me say that I have a Ph.D. (overqualified) in sociology (lack of real-world experience) from Duke University (intrinsic unlikability), which means I have covered all of those bases except for mental instability, which is covered by the fact that I am hoping to become President. However, this has been a long-held dream of mine ever since I wore a Dukakis mask for Halloween in 1988. If you don’t believe me, just look at my ninth-grade yearbook picture, when students were asked “What song do you like?” and “What will you be doing in the year 2000?” As the evidence attests, I am truly an idiot, and have been for a long time. Also, I like “Shake It Off” now.
So the prescription for America is simple, and only needs a note from Dr. Ben, but not the Carson guy, because he is a disturbing reactionary. Think about it: If we all walked more, we wouldn’t be so consumed with accumulating stuff—because you can’t shop very well on your cell phone. We’d all be healthier—because it would take time for every drive-thru to be reconfigured for pedestrians. Climate change would slow to a non-upsetting pace—because many of us would get lost and eventually be consumed by trees. Our increasingly unequal and divided society would soon realize that we’re all in pretty bad physical shape, and that maybe we should do a 5K. Our problems on a whole array of issues would solve themselves as more and more of us get to know our neighbors and how embarrassing they look wearing athleisure. Most importantly of all, our economic potential would be unleashed by a wave of technological innovation involving hover-shoes, I’m hoping. So I say again, but in a different way: Let’s perambulate, USA!
In the coming months, I will be issuing a series of policy stances which all derive from my belief in the walking cure. Though the proposals will be varied—we should allow children to walk to the mailbox alone; we need to destroy all roads between ourselves and Mexico, to make citizenship something you earn—they’re all very obvious because they involve walking. Don’t let the simplicity fool you—there is nothing complex going on here.
So I ask you for your vote on this, my occasional Presidential blog. I’ll need your support if we are to take back our country from the Washington insiders who won’t go outside, and the Washington hobbyists who support them. Your voice matters. Your dogs will be barking. Please, for the sake of the country: lace up your bootstraps, open your three-car garage, and go take a hike.