Please Give My Children Sea Salt Caramels

Omigosh, thank you so very much. They really enjoy sea salt caramels a lot, and I’d hate to disappoint them on Halloween. They’ve been talking about dressing up for months now. Oh! Are those dark chocolate Hershey’s kisses? The kids love them too, and they really don’t keep them up at night—you know, I think the caffeine actually has the opposite effect. Well, thank you! Tell her thank you, little ones!

Why, thank you so much for the peanut butter cups! And do you happen to have any Take 5 bars? They are so good for their little hearts, with the peanuts in them, you know. But they’re so hard to come by. Fortunately, we’re not allergic, like so many families in the neighborhood. Good thing you have those Starbursts for everyone who’s allergic in the neighborhood—seems like half the families these days…. Omigosh, extra Take 5 bars? You’re such a sweetie—thanks!

Wow! Organic free-trade 70% cacao orange-and-almond chocolate bars! Very generous. Yes, the littlest one is so concerned about the environment—I don’t know where he picks it up. How many chocolate bars are you concerned about the environment, darling? Are you two chocolate bars concerned about the environment? I thought so. Thank you, neighbor!

And what do we have here? Halloween marshmallow ghosts. Thanks, mister. Really nice. Come on, kids.

Ooo, kids, look at his costume. What a fierce pirate he is! Do you think you’re brave enough to say “trick or treat” again? Oh, I think they’re too scared, poor munchkins. But I can tell they’re just fascinated by your eyepatch and bandana—very authentic! Oh, wow, another helping of Snickers. Thank you—Arrrh! Ha-ha-ha.

Are those King Size Kit-Kats? You know, we haven’t gotten any of them this year. I don’t know if they’re less popular or not, but they’re one of the best things for kids, because the wafers help them get full without overdosing on chocolate—kind of a healthy snack in between other chocolate bars, if you ask me. Well, it’s getting late, and I suppose there won’t be many more families coming by. What’s that? My goodness, that’s so kind! And don’t worry, we won’t let them eat all of it at once. We like to spread it out over a week or more, and by that time they’ve practically forgotten that Halloween happened or exactly what kinds of candy they got. Children—so forgetful!

What lovely decorations you have! Kids, isn’t that ghost so scary? You definitely have the best yard inflatables in the whole neighborhood. How long did that take you to set up? Wow. Well, we love Halloween too, don’t we kids? But there seem to be a lot of houses that don’t want to participate this year. Strange, isn’t it? Do you suppose there are a lot of Jehovah’s Witnesses in our subdivision? They think Halloween’s evil, you know, from what I hear. But it’s just plain innocent fun—does my little mass murderer look harmful? Of course not! I only hope the older one doesn’t start asking questions about why so many houses are dark. He’s very sensitive, and some things are difficult to explain. One time, he asked me about his dear departed aunt, who at this time last year had that dreadful accident involving axes, and… Oh, thank you! You are so generous! You know, my kids just love sea salt caramels.

5 thoughts on “Please Give My Children Sea Salt Caramels

  1. It’s better than an onion. One year, there were 3 of us. 2 ran ahead, and got this grandmothers last (2) pieces of chocolate. The 3rd came running up…oh dear…hold on… the door opens back up, a hand comes out and puts an onion in his bag! and quickly closes the door. To this day, I never forgot the expression on his face! 🙂


  2. I like giving out the weirder candies. Society is better off when there’s more room for eccentricity and there’s no way to get that except to try something out.

    I’m not cruel about it, though. If I give a kid a Zero bar — one of the oldest combination bars still in production — or a Boyer Smoothie I’ll also give something safe like a fun-size Hershey or a bunch of Kisses. It’s the same principle as giving your kid a weird name you’re proud of and a normal name they can use if they’re embarrassed.


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