I Must Return to My Virtual Towns and Forts

Hold on a second—I’ve got to finish this manufactory. No, I have no idea why they don’t call it a factory. I suppose it’s part of the quirky charm of “City Zoning and Permitting HD,” like how the tiny houses have naval signal flags and all the little people’s heads have elephantiasis. It looks like it would be such a fun place to live. Anyway, I want to talk to you right now, but I also really want to design an industrial zone. Can you give me a minute? Feel free to start eating dinner, I’ll be right there.

Okay, all done. Now, what I wanted to ask you was: can you not bother me for a while? I have to visit my virtual forts.

The thing is, my fortifications are really suffering. Apparently a weirdly well-organized group of Chinese pre-teens wrecked my sally port, and now I’m getting strange messages about needing to sign up for the Advanced Algorithms MOOC at Stanford. Let me just buy the “dragon moat” I’ve been saving up for six months for, and then I’ll have enough attention to pretend that I’m listening to you while I think about upgrading my bastions. Uh-oh, this is going to be tougher than I thought. Do I pick the red or the blue dragon moat? Oh, geez. I can’t talk or eat now.

And once I’m done with the “Fuss of Baronies” game, I have to check on my SimSerfs. The peasants are revolting because the landed gentry won’t throw them any seasonal festivals. It’s all my fault, because I didn’t build enough contortionist guilds and firecracker abbeys to make a healthy stock of jesters and party nuns. Do you understand the seriousness of my situation? I NEED TO REACH LEVEL 45. Go ahead and stack the dirty dishes over there—I’ll get to them in a sec.

Ooo! I’m on the cusp of unlocking an expansion area, which will allow me to finally extend the road to the next expansion area. Let me have another couple minutes here. It’s really important, or I’ll never have every single item this game allows you to buy. I literally want one of figuratively everything.

Look, I’d be happy to hear about your day once I’m finished here, but until then, can you please get your own virtual people and talk to them? You should try cultivating a roller-coaster zoo. Oh, that reminds me! I’ve only got two hours left to finish baking a chocolate sushi burrito in “Kitchen Island Scramble Mania Fever Dash FREE.” If I don’t do it now, my virtual family will starve. They have adorably large eyes that become blackened and hollow when they’re malnourished. Plus, they enjoy rewarding me with elaborate medals. Don’t you want me to earn elaborate animated medals? Thanks, honey. Go on ahead to bed—I’ll be there in a while, once I’ve eaten dinner with my mobile gaming wife. Love you both!

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