Come join us for the third annual Pogo-Stick Jump/Bounce/Fall for Hope and the Cure! This year, we have made many exciting improvements that should reduce your risk of fatal injury. We have also added entertainment! So register now!
Our course this year is a rural route, often used by bikers, that winds past fragrant stands of pine, clear-cut exurban developments, and industrial pig farms. We were unable to get the proper permissions to have the road closed to car, biker, and dumptruck traffic, but we have managed to invest in innumerable small orange cones and those little reflective triangle doo-hickeys. We are also providing NIOSH-rated face masks for all pogo-sticking participants, to help combat the noxious combination of biker/dumptruck exhaust, rotting pig flesh, and the totally predictable pine pollen season. Safety first! Please remember to bring your own kneepads, elbow pads, wrist guards, shin guards, and full-face helmets.
As with our second annual Bounce for Hope and the Cure, we will be providing water stations, Gatorade stands, and beer trucks along the route. We encourage all participants to practice one-handed, short-height, stationary jumps, as drinking on a pogo stick makes a big and very dangerous mess. Still, that would be better than the multiple episodes of dehydration and hospitalization we had our first year. With your help and your employer’s insurance, we have learned a lot! We should also inform you that there is the likelihood of impromptu roadside fruit stands—these are not endorsed by the organizers owing to that one time our peach basket had a cottonmouth in it.
Owing to our move to a new location, we are no longer able to take advantage of the excellent medical facilities provided by the nearby therapeutic horse riding camp. In lieu of trained veterinarians, we have invited volunteers from the local rural rescue mission. We thought “rescue mission” was a really nice way of saying “ambulance,” but it turns out they mostly make Brunswick stew. However, Edna and Albert have both been certified in CPR at some point. Edna also recently bought an activity tracker, and is excited to see if it works on a pogo-stick. Albert is trying to dissuade her.
Finally, most excitedly and hope-raising yet, we are providing an entertainment bash of monumental proportions! Alison Krauss and Union Station (cover band) will be performing at the end of the race in front of the new subdivision’s contractor’s trailer. Our race sponsor, Tim’s Lawn and Deck Seating Solutions, will be supplying us with plastic Adirondack chairs for rest and recuperation while you enjoy this rare, once-in-a-month treat. If you enjoy the band, they will be performing the following month at Festival in the Bark. I have been told that the Alison Krauss impersonator is very impressive given that he’s a man.
So send in your $750 today—rates rise after Monday the tomorrowth. We hope to see you there! Rural route 34, next to Vollmann’s Sausage Factorium. It’s a 1K, but you get a medal for sending us money.