Since announcing my Presidential walk and my first policy plank concerning tax percentagetiles, I’ve gotten a number of zero inquiries asking for me to explain more about who I am and what I think I am up to. To cynically provide a better sense of my humanity, I’m happy to share a story.
When I was a little boy, my little brother destroyed my GI Joe plane. It was an awesome plane, but I had left it on the floor and he had slobbered on it with his little brother acid slobber. I was very distraught, packed up my things in a hobo suitcase (bandana on a stick—turns out, they don’t fit much), and fled into the surrounding woods for several fortnights, which I thought meant “quarter-hours.” Though I was not missed, and went through years of therapy in no way related to any of this, I still bring it up regularly at family gatherings. This tear jerk of a story really exhibits the kind of thinking I will bring to the Presidency: (1) I obviously love the military; (2) you can never trust anyone; (3) keep all your things to yourself; (4) when in doubt, go for long, soul-searching walks through protected wetlands and abandoned quarries to come to grips with the inherent transience of all things.
In a shutnell (as the prospective First Lady does not like me saying), that’s why I want to be President. We all just need to take a walk sometimes, and I was born a stroller.
Now, on to the issues: today I proudly release my policy on immigration. Simply put, we need to create a new immigration form. People are not filling out the old one.
It should be an easy fix. I’ve already described how we can expect our nation’s five-year-olds to fill out my new simplified tax form, so I plan to task their older siblings—seven-year-olds—with creating one of those cute notes with large check-boxes they invariably make at that age (“Check if you like pizza.” “Check if you like peas.” “Check if you want a nice, quiet family dinner.”). With their graphical skills and the superior handwriting of nine-year olds, we could create an immigration form that asked questions like the following:
- How did you get here?
- Did someone let you in?
- Are you are U.S. citizen?
- How much money are you carrying right now?
- When do you plan to overstay your visa?
- How much education do you have?
- If we said you could become a citizen in about ten years, how much will you give us for this flip phone?
- Do you even speak English?
Once we’ve finished printing the new immigration form in Guangzhou, we need to make sure that people entering the country are filling it out. I propose some sort of “border security” or “passport control” at places like airports, border crossings, ports, and train stations. Do we have anything like that? I mean train stations? I haven’t taken a train in forever.
Regardless, every person entering the country should be required to fill out an interminably long form questioning their reason for coming to our great land, rudely asking who they know here, and generally making them ashamed of leaving everything they know and love. We should let them know about our frightening gun violence problem, our world-class incarceration levels, and all the restaurants where you order a number instead of a food name. We should ask them if Canada wouldn’t be nicer, and if they can afford a parka. Above all, we should strive to give the impression that we are a nation of litigious busybodies who revel in making fools, failures, and criminals out of others and especially de Tocqueville, who we deported too. That way, visitors can return to their home country and give an account of their experiences entirely in line with the reality of others who visited before.
Of course, it’s not only legal entrants who overstayed their visa or MasterCard who have contributed to our illegal immigration problem, but people who sneaked across the border while we are tying our shoelaces. For these people, we must first ensure that their babies are no longer anchored to the ground. Once that’s accomplished, the challenge is getting our newly revised form into their hands. A border wall is a great solution, especially if it looks like the Great Wall of China, because it would provide the perfect place for a brochure stand. Everyone loves looking at those things when they’re bored waiting for their bags or for Rafael to finish rappelling down the north face. In addition to providing ample copies of the new immigration form, I’m imagining a whole series of glossy pamphlets showcasing ticket prices at Disneyworld, distances between museums in Washington, DC, and the paucity of quality daytime television. This will have the desired effect of prompting immigrants to scramble back down the south face and return to their nearest telenovela.
In sum, it’s clear that immigration is a big challenge that we must meet head-on by advertising our worst tendencies. It starts with reforming a form, but it only works if we all attack each other on social media and behave obnoxiously when overseas. Then everyone will finally know that America is only for dreamers who are totally out of touch with the real world.