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I Wish We Had a Robot Army About Now

Like the rest of the sane world, I was disturbed and heart-broken about the recent attacks in Paris. My heart goes out to Parisians and the French people, and I hope they understand the extent to which the civilized world has them in their thoughts and feels deeply for their loss.

And like other people, I’m appalled that anybody could think that killing innocent people is somehow consistent with God’s plan. It makes me wonder: is there some obscure part of the Koran that says that God rewards dickheads? Is that what they’re picking up on? If so, can someone make a Koran with the dickhead parts quietly removed? Or is ISIS just a bunch of dickheads finding ways to be dickheads? Mostly the latter, I suspect. Also, can someone find a way to teach these dickheads that you can make a very important word out of “self” and “defeating?” Thanks.

So, if it’s not clear, I’m also super-pissed. I admire the way that French President Hollande has come out swinging against ISIS, and hope that this tragedy will serve as the beginning of the end for the radical, essentially nihilistic, interpretation of Islam-as-death-cult that ISIS represents. But I worry that if ISIS could be defeated with air strikes, we would have made that happen by now, because they are plainly crazy and deserve to have their heads removed from their dicks, thus solving the general problem. No, I worry it’s going to take more—a lot more. And here’s where I wish we had a robot army.

Because I don’t really want to spend my children’s future earnings, or a substantial sum of my own earnings, paying for a ground war that will be bloody, messy, and inevitably prolonged and perhaps never, in my lifetime, complete. I don’t want to have to send tens of thousands of American troops into a barbaric internecine conflict where some would be captured and tortured, and many die, in the name of securing peace for a region that seems compelled to reject it. I don’t want to have to raze towns and destroy fields and see more innocent people hurt and killed. But if that’s what’s needed to make nothing but a hole out of each and everyone one of these ISIS asses, then I might be okay with it.

But it’d be nice to be able to send several platoons of weaponized androids and their metallic canine companions instead of human soldiers. We could outfit them with adamantium plating, shoulder-rockets, plasma guns, and theatrically frightening glowing red eyes. We could train them to use their calf-pistons to hop along if they lose a leg, and to fire their chest-lasers if they’re fully immobilized. I’d also suggest that they wear black robes and black hoods so that they could infiltrate ISIS encampments and startle the enemy with their superior humanity. “Hasta la vista, baby,” it would say, “you’re a fucking dickhead.”

I mean, isn’t this what our defense spending is supposed to be for? Why are we over-paying for littoral combat ships that, you know, can’t go on land, or high-altitude fighter-bombers which can only blow up entire neighborhood blocks? Why do we think we can win wars with expensive remote-controlled drones when ISIS’s machines consist of much less valued, dumber, and more effective remote-controlled people? If we can’t protect our own government files from being hacked by the Chinese, we might as well stop trying to do so, record everything on carbon copies, and put the rest of the money toward Terminators. I’m sure we could do it—we’re on the verge of attaching Luke Skywalker hands to amputees, so military droids can’t be that far away. Perhaps they could be trained in defensive lightsaber maneuvers too, or at least adorable squeaks and electroshocks.

Whatever we do, I hope it works, and I hope it’s not hard. That’s the way I’m feeling, anyway, even though it makes no sense. To be fair, it’s hard making any sense out of this; it’s hard finding a way forward. But we have to do it. We have to find a better way of defeating these medieval extremists. Any choice we make needs to be better than President Obama’s approach of “leading from his behind,” which is, um, a little backward-looking. It’s going to be a long, ugly, and foundational struggle for the future where hampering the enemy and paying others to do the dirty work won’t be enough. Because it’s not just a fight against terrorism, it’s a war against radical Islam, violent jihadists, and asshole dickheads. The sooner we come to grips with that,  the sooner we can build some ISIS-kicking robots.

Vive la France, et l’Amérique, et la civilisation.

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