Are You Talking to Me or the Dog?

Yes, yes, I have been a good boy! I’ve been a very good boy!

Oh, were you talking to the dog? Sorry about that.

Yes, please, can we really go for a walk? Can we go to the park? We haven’t been to the park in forever. Or if not the park, take a nice long walk around the neighborhood? Or maybe I can just go out into the yard for a bit? I promise I’ll be back soon.

Oh wait, you were inviting the dog. My apologies.

Okay, I’ll come there. Am I really your buddy? I am so thrilled to be your buddy in addition to your husband and life partner. What would you like to do? Scratch my head? Shake hands? Could I jump on you? No, of course not, that would be silly. Did you have something you wanted me to get for you? No? Are you sure?

Ah, you were talking to the dog again, weren’t you? Pardon me.

Sure, I’ll stay right here. I’m not sure why you’re so upset at me, though. I’ve been a good boy. Okay, right. The dog.

I am not going to go get that for you if you order me around so peremptorily. Try asking in a considerate voice for once. Oh, I see, the dog can get it. It’s his half-chewed rawhide, after all. He’s pretty good at fetching, isn’t he?

What? What does that mean? Are you calling me a heel? Oops again. Dog.

I have a suggestion—maybe you could use a different voice when you’re talking to the dog or asking it to do something or using positive reinforcement to encourage correct behavior. As it is, you are kind of getting my hopes up all the time and then leaving me to hang. It’s like you love the dog more than me. It’s getting me rather depressed, frankly. Yes, you’re right: I think I better lie down.

Why, yes, I am a cutie! I’ve been working out a lot lately, and you probably noticed my new haircut! I am super-adorable, that’s true!

Oh—you were talking to the baby. Sorry about that.

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