If Donald Trump Wins, I Am Moving to Another House

I can’t believe this guy has stuck around so long. I am sick and tired of his extreme comments and offensive views. If he so much wins a primary contest, I swear I am moving out of this house and into another, nicer house, probably in the same general vicinity.

It just sickens me to see his bullying rhetoric and blatant disregard for the facts receive such wide-spread attention. Is this even the same country I grew up in? I kid you not, I promise I will pack up my things and ship them to a place with a more open floorplan, which I think will work better with the kids.

I mean, he’s a proto-fascist know-nothing who would absolutely wreck our reputation abroad and ruin our economy—dealmaker my ass! The only reason he’s popular now is that uneducated white people are thrilled that some boorish nitwit is sticking it to the wealthy elites and their fetish for political correctness. Want to hear the unvarnished truth? The truth is, we’ve felt a little crowded in this old Craftsman, and the energy efficiency isn’t so great.

Of course the only way to prevent this scary reactionary from even coming close to the nomination is to get out, speak up, and vote. But far too few people are willing to even turn on the news these days, and certainly aren’t interested in confronting ham-handed bigotry masquerading as leadership. His supporters may be frustrated for a lot of legitimate reasons, but if we don’t do something to stop this insanity, I am dead serious about looking for another place to live with similarly good schools and not too far away from my job, because I can’t afford to lose it by being late a few times. I think the boss is looking for an excuse to fire someone—the company’s been struggling for a while.

Look, if Donald Trump wins even a few states, or, heaven forbid, gets within a country mile of the White House, that means that I’m behind the eight-ball, because it’ll be spring and that’s one of the best times to sell a house. We’re finally above water on the mortgage, and interest rates aren’t going to stay this low forever. Just don’t get me started on that blowhard real estate tycoon who thinks he can waltz into politics and play off people’s economic insecurities to stroke his own massive ego. I am so mad about his run atop the polls that I am going to finally call that real estate agent I’ve been meaning to get in touch with—the one with the big bangs. She seems nice.

All I know is: I’m not putting up with a society that lets a far-right, bloviating hack gin up anger and hatred like we’re some sort of star-spangled 1930s Germany. If Republicans start voting for him in droves, I am leaving the country to go on a nice vacation, because I booked it a while ago. If conservatives give in and accept him as their leader, I am going to find a job elsewhere that can supplement my current job, because otherwise I’ll never be able to afford to retire. Most importantly, if Donald Trump is the Republican nominee, I am not going to stick around to watch that Hindenburg-level disaster: I am going to load up the truck and go to the flea market, because I am in serious need of cash to fix up our current house. Someone has to do something—there’s no way in hell I am staying in that dump.

11 thoughts on “If Donald Trump Wins, I Am Moving to Another House

  1. Have you considered a smaller house? It would give you more economic leverage, and force you to divest yourself of unnecessary possessions. And it encourages the kids to LEAVE when they are 18 😀

    i do think Trump’s going to be the GOP nominee though, and lose the general election by a historic margin of defeat.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. He actually might be the worst. I live in Canada, and watching American politics is becoming strikingly similar to a Saturday Night Live sketch. If he wins, I’ll be sad for you that you have a weather orangutan running your country.

    Like

  3. Hi Ben,
    Really like your post. Great satirical style.
    Im currently in the process of setting up a new online publication On Republic which will cover all things Politics and Society, Music and Sport both seriously and satirically.
    It is to be launched soon and I would love for you to write an article or a few for it.
    Would you be interested?
    If so please send me an email at info@onrepublic.com
    Thanks
    Daniel Thorp

    Like

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