My Feud With Wiz Khalifa Is Going Nowhere

It’s been fascinating to read about the recent Twitter feud between Kanye West and Wiz Khalifa. Apparently, Kanye likes his pants. While it’s clear I don’t fully understand what their dispute is about, or why these people are well-known, I have decided, to further my own fame, to complain about Wiz Khalifa stealing lines from my satirical socio-political blog posts. Although I’ve yet to formally file these complaints with the Twitter Bureau, I would like to use this blog post to explain my eventual objection: Wiz, please stop using lines from my satirical socio-political blog posts.

It’s important in this age of fractured attention that each of us makes an effort to stay engaged with significant cultural figures and their nationally prominent conflicts. Without pushing ourselves to understand the perspectives of subcultures of which we are not a part, and without reaching across ethnic and generational lines to untangle the mystifying preoccupations of these oddball cults, we implicitly denigrate their contributions to American society and further alienate these weirdoes.

Therefore, in an attempt to “speak their language” and “cast some lampshade,” I would like to kindly ask Wiz Khalifa to take notice of my phenomenally funny, deeply absurd blog ramblings, and incorporate random snippets in a copyright-violating fashion into whatever line of work he is in, such as magic shows or speech-writing. As I understand it, expressing a “beef” with prominent individuals is a sure way to ingratiate yourself into a highly confrontational but tenderly loving community such as the Kardashians’—especially if the “beef” is one-sided and originates from a total unknown, like myself or those comediennes who seem to be really angry with Amy Schumer.

Of course, as a long-time admirer of Kanye West’s head, which I see everywhere in the media, I don’t wish to disrupt the fruitful exchange he is having with Mr. Khalifa on the Twitter Wires. As an entertainment icon and sought-after talking head, Kanye deserves our respect. I also don’t wish to remain ignorant of who, exactly, Wiz Khalifa is. Can someone tell me? Is he an experimental political magician? Is he looking for someone to write jokes for the awkward times between cutting a cardboard Ted Cruz in half and revealing, in fact, that cardboard Ted Cruz has not been harmed at all? That is a tall order, mister.

So please watch as I try to gin up a faux-disagreement between myself, a humble middle-aged white man who likes classical music and whom no one knows (yet), and the man who has made supremely talented head model Kanye West upset enough to write Twitter Memoranda. Mr. Wiz Khalifa, don’t you dare steal the following lines:

  • the ballz in yo court; I need yo support;
  • ain’t no happenin’ on my blog it’s a slog not a vlog,
  • so come down from da mountain and spout a ragin’ fountain
  • at me, a very strange and unpredictable individual who does not know who in the world you are.

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