A Republican Establishment Template for Endorsing Donald Trump

As a [long-serving/recently elected] member of the GOP [mainstream/conservative wing/already far-right Tea Party], I could not be more [happy/resigned/disgusted/violently ill] to announce my support of Donald Trump for President.

Although I am [horrified/driven suicidal] by his vulgarity and incredibly [displeased/screwed] by his many offensive statements, I [have come to the conclusion/have no choice but] to go ahead and pledge my [vote/unneeded fund-raising apparatus/by now meaningless endorsement] for him in this race. I admit that he is a [cancer/stroke waiting to happen] on conservatism whose abhorrent views are very similar to [Marco Rubio’s/Ted Cruz’s]. Though I love [Rubio’s/Cruz’s] principled positions, in an ironic twist, I [don’t actually believe them/personally hate the guy]. However, Trump’s [extraordinary business success/incomprehensible political success] has convinced me that he may, in time, learn to [be a wonderful President/play the influence-peddling political game I am used to].

While Mr. Trump’s rhetoric is overblown, divisive, and often [false/something I wish I could get away with saying], he has nevertheless tapped into a reservoir of righteous [anger/stupidity] from a huge swath of the [blue-collar/uneducated/idiot] electorate. And while it’s true that I would [hesitate to/absolutely never] support him in a normal primary season where the establishment wasn’t [fractured/gutter-sniping], I have come to believe that Donald Trump represents the best hope for [a renewed America/permanently purging this ideological sickness from our party]. I have heard the cries of frustration from our people, and am [proud/repulsed] to [join them/give in to their superior numbers].

Now, I understand I may have said things in the past that suggested that, were Trump to win, I would sell my house and move to [a different country/a blue state/a house in a more secure gated community]. I will freely admit that I have also [thought about/bought tickets for] a trip to [Canada/Finland] for a break from our current political insanity. But now that Trump’s victory is more than a small possibility that will still hopefully [collapse at the last minute/be overturned by the Kochs], I am [happy/irritated] to change my plans, and will [do my utmost/silently stew] to ensure that [we elect a Republican President/I voice no public objections whatsover]. Whether Trump wins or loses, I will feel [proud/embarrassed] to have joined this [cause/mob].

Now, many of you may wonder what has caused my [lack of] change of heart, and I can honestly say [nothing/I do not have a heart]. As a politician and public servant, my mind is [largely empty anyway/a nihilistic sea-scape of perpetually undulating unprincipled churn].

You may also wonder about my [commitment to the cause of electing {ack/cough/vomit} Donald Trump/policy disagreements with the presumptive nominee]. As a life-long [patriot/aspiring lobbyist], I am happy to [switch sides/admit that I never had any political courage to begin with]. I have long been committed to [maintaining conservative principles/pretty much going along with the crowd], which for my entire adult life was centered around traditional values, aggressive foreign policy, and pro-business policies.

Now that this ground is shifting under me and plunging me and all my elected friends into a political hellhole, I am forced to grab the edges, scramble out, and embrace this newfound landscape where abortion doesn’t matter much, Social Security and Medicare can’t be touched, our Iraq adventure was the largest military blunder since Vietnam. Pleased to meet the rest of you. I’m happy to join your [great/awful] society of [celebrity-driven/know-nothing] [know-nothingness/celebrity worship].

The point is, I’ve come around to the possibility that I [was wrong/will be left out]. I’ve come to believe that Trump is a master politician who will lead a [revitalized/dumpster fire of an] America into greater heights of [prosperity/polarized decline]. I’ve come to believe that Trump, and [only Trump/not me], deserves a hearing from the American people. Most importantly, I’ve [come to believe/finally deluded myself] that Donald Trump can, indeed, beat Hillary Clinton.

Even though Trump is the incarnation of delusional populist fervor whose lack of insight, competence, and basic human decency would theoretically lead to historic, across-the-board electoral defeat for the entire Republican Party and its long-standing principles, I’ve chosen to ignore all impartial evidence suggesting this and embrace the view that I know every single other American shares with me: there is nothing worse than [our esteemed opponent/that witch] Hillary Clinton. She is a politician that twists in the wind and cannot be trusted.

So join me in working to [elect/pretend to support] Donald Trump, and let’s make America great [again/after he’s defeated]!

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