Tonight, the NBA Draft kicks off another year of NBA Drafts. While I’m not officially employed as a basketball scout, nor have I ever played basketball against people, I’ve been watching a lot of film. For example, I liked Iron Man 3. That qualifies me to look ridiculous by pretending to know what I’m talking about only to be exposed years later, after I have retired and everyone has forgotten me. Just like a real scout!
While the top two prospects in this year’s draft leave no mystery as to who will be picked first (LeBron James or Stephen Curry, if they were in the draft this year), the rest of the draft remains up in the air. Indeed, one of these plays may not even exist. Read on to find out which one.
- Ben Simmons, LSU
Great, great kid. Has three letters in his first name. Maybe more. Has six or seven letters in his last name, but no more. It’ll take time to learn how to spell his name, but in the end, it’s going to be worth it in order to spell his name right.
- Brandon Ingram, Duke
He’s got great length, size, width, breadth, depth, and olfactory senses. Can smell the ball coming. Can sniff a freshly cooked burrito within three miles. Once detected the faint caramel sweetness of a seven-year old block of Gouda stored in the basement refrigerator of a neighbor’s house. Unfortunately, lacks eyes.
- Buddy Hield, Oklahoma
He can flat-out shoot it. In fact, he can flat-out shoot anything. Line up some bottles, and bam! they’re down a second later. He’s even great with bazookas and crossbows. It’s amazing to think that when he first came to Oklahoma, he’d only downed tiny birds with a homemade slingshot.
- Jamal Murray, Kentucky
Fantastic motor. It’s a Cummins 4.0 Diesel. Probably not good to run inside a gym, since it will kill everyone.
- Marquese Chriss, Washington
Comes from a fantastic background. Has a great pedigree. In fact, no one’s quite sure if the Marquis’s noble family will let him play for just any team. There’s a strong sense coming out of his aide-de-camp that he only wants to play for the Kings. If the gentleman’s treaty resulting from the late war doesn’t reinstate his family’s land holdings, he may be married off to a princess in Bavaria.
- Kris Dunn, Providence
This kid is destined to be an All-Star, or at least a cult religious figure. He’s developed into a vocal leader and an accomplished and crafty theologian. He’s a good, charming kid who likes secretive compounds. The only question is about his age—is he really 2,000 years old? You’ve got to take the risk.
- Dragan Bender, Tel Aviv
He’s pretty tall. And handsome. Not very dark, though.
- Taurean Prince, Baylor.
Incredible hair. Just amazing, floppy, stringy, possibly smelly hair. Really can whip it. Probably will take someone’s eye out at some point. If he winds up putting razors in his hair—watch out.
- Jaylen Brown, California
His ballhandling could improve, that’s for sure. At this point, he can only juggle three balls at a time. What’s going to happen when Chris Paul is running down the court juggling twelve balls simultaneously, with two of them cross-juggled with other teammates and one of them on fire? Disaster, that’s what. And I don’t think he’s even tried handling bowling pins.
- Patrick McCaw, UNLV
Can he be the next LeBron James? No. Can he be the next Hillary Clinton? Not without extensive surgery and aging. Can he be like that skinny bench player from the Rockets that used to be on the Nuggets? Sort of.
- Deyonta Davis, Michigan State
Doesn’t rebound very well. When his first girlfriend broke up with him, he stayed in his dorm room for four straight days, eating old Chinese leftovers and mini muffins his friends brought him from the cafeteria. He cried so much that he lost 10 pounds of water weight, then really got into macramé. On the plus side, he makes great macramé.
- Henry Ellenson, Marquette
Tons of confidence and a great scorer. However, he’s not very explosive. Or at least I think he’s not very explosive. I haven’t actually seen him explode yet. In fact, no one has. Once he does, though—watch out.
- Malik Beasley, Florida
There are major concerns about his health. Does he eat too much processed food? Does he know to shop the perimeter of grocery stores? Has he even read a Michael Pollan book? And that’s just the first step. Sooner or later, he’s going to have to confront the crisis of the factory farm.
- Thon Maker, Orangeville Prep
Not a lot is known about him. He refused to work out for any team, and won’t share his medical records. No pictures of him have ever been taken. His birth certificate is missing. His parents, they say, are slowly fading from existence. There’s strong suspicion he may be an anomalous erasure of the space-time continuum. Still: amazing talent.
- DeAndre Bembry, St. Joseph’s
My only concern is that he’s not very good at playing ping-pong. In fact, his ping-pong form is all wrong. Without ping-pong, I worry he’s going to struggle—playing ping-pong, that is. He’ll be pretty freakin’ good at basketball. And then, if he learns ping-pong—watch out.