Nearly three months ago, I boldly predicted that the Presidential race was over and that the only question remaining was whether the size of Hillary Clinton’s victory would match the size of her pantsuits. I am now humbled to say that I was completely off-base. The only question remaining is actually how dumb Donald Trump is going to appear at the end of his campaign for captain of the Titanic.
I needn’t bore you with the details of recent events—the Vice Presidential selections (political goal: mansplaining), the Republican National Loyalty Rally, the Democratic National Convention & Competence, and Trump’s suggestion that Gold Star families should be deported to Russia, which Trump thinks is “so big”—to communicate the dire straits Trump finds himself in. Indeed, unless you are receiving your news via an intravenous injection from Breitbart, pretty much everything you’ve seen or heard in the past week on liberal media like Fox News is that Trump is a hazardous-chemicals train wreck/self-sabotaging drug addict who needs intervention from a Newt Gingrich-led Department of Martian Transportation.
But as hard as it is to believe, this is only the beginning. Just today, there’s a story about a House Republican running an anti-Trump commercial; about Melania Trump possibly having violated immigration rules; and about Paul Manafort, Trump’s campaign advisor who literally lobbied for brutal dictators Ferdinand Marcos and Mobutu Sese Seko, accidentally endorsing Paul Ryan for President. Tomorrow, I expect Trump will be diagnosed with obvious-in-retrospect brain cancer.
So the question is, can Donald Trump right the ship? Is his ship named Costa Concordia? Can he learn to discipline himself and not pick needless fights with ostensible allies and respectable citizens? Can he find a rocking chair somewhere in the Appalachians and nobly refuse to answer reporters’ questions, viewing such self-promotion as unworthy of a Presidential aspirant?
My bold prediction: Probably not.
I’m guessing a 61% to 99.99% probability here.
Keep in mind that the election is three months away. In that time, we will have the following opportunities for Trump to further melt into a gold-streaked slag of pig iron:
- The Rio Olympics: Note that Brazilians speak Portuguese, not Spanish. Yet many of its citizens are a healthy nut color. Hence, Trump is likely to call them “biased Mexicans” the first time that his favorite golfer catches Zika and dies trying to wash it off with tap diarrhea.
- Trump’s tax returns: Unlike every Presidential candidate since Moses, including the equally rich but actually classy Mitt Romney, Trump has refused to release any tax returns for fear that they will be used to undermine his claims that he personally funds every single United Way and owns all of Scotland that’s not a rock.
- The Presidential debates: There are three of these scheduled for September and October. Three! Donald Trump will make 18 outlandish statements per debate-hour, which equates to 81 foolhardy assertions over the course of the four and a half hours of debate time. Twitter will have a nuclear meltdown, the New York Times will begin to glow a deeply concerning burgundy, and Fox News will resort to simply showing pictures of leggy blondes set to Wagner’s “Ride of the Valkyries.”
- The Vice Presidential debate: This will be boring and no one will watch it.
- Lawsuits: Trump’s history of legal disputes numbers over 3,500 lawsuits. Of course, most of them involve silly matters like not paying workers. His current trouble stems from fraud allegations regarding Trump University, a well-regarded and entirely legal Ponzi scheme. Fortunately for Trump, the case won’t go to trial until after the election, so he can focus entirely on it. He’ll have lost by 12 pantsuits.