Now that Donald Trump is fulfilling my May prediction that he will lose the election by 319 million votes (look, the system is rigged, as it allows people with morals to vote, once), I am ready to provide my political prognostication about the Congressional elections (Political Forecast: Run For the Hill(s) Edition). But before I post my thoughts about Paul Ryan’s upcoming PTSD, I feel obliged to share a few observations about certain recent events that have coarsened our public discourse and irrevocably made “Benito” a more popular baby name than “Donald.” I refer, of course, to the astonishing video in which Trump boasts about his magnetic appeal to women whom he aggressively forces himself upon.
To be sure, this was a sad moment in American politics, even sadder than the time that George W. Bush attempted to find Angela Merkel’s erogenous clavicle, or the widely unknown occasion on which Reagan spied Margaret Thatcher’s iron bellows (“Well,” he was reported saying, “they’re in her ankles”). Yet amidst such national embarrassments, and among all the vitriol, polarization, and dumpster burning that too often poisons our civic atmosphere, I would like for us all to pause to consider, for just a moment, the one thing we have in common: a Republican nominee who, at age 59, bragged that he enjoyed sexually assaulting women.
Now, some of you may say that I have taken his comments out of context, and that they represented innocent “jailhouse talk” common among people who have been imprisoned for sexual predation. Men commonly say many worse things in the company of men who are serving 18-to-25. This is an interesting and invalid point. Try again, using brain.
Others have claimed that Bill Clinton, a President made famous by being impeached for marital infidelity by a large number of cheating Congressmen, was a far worse abuser of women. While Trump may have said some awkward things which he regrets anyone having the gall to be offended by, Bill Clinton routinely got away with actually enjoying consensual affairs with, as Trump puts it, “real pigs who live on farms.” Compared to this, Trump should be commended for macking hard on attractive married women.
Hillary, too, has done far worse by being an actual demon from hell. As an argument, touché.
More importantly, ISIS has done many, many worse things than even Hillary has done, despite the fact that she is literally the devil. ISIS beheads people. Hillary lets people keep their heads. Therefore, she should be put in jail without a trial. Here, the Trump campaign’s logic is unassailable, because it does not exist. You would simply flail your arms trying to even touch it.
Which, ironically enough, is the problem Trump is now facing: having alienated the highly partisan women block (53% of all voters), Hillary is in commanding position to humiliate Trump at the polls, with women providing her margin of victory. All this means one thing for our endangered democracy and the disruption that the GOP nominee had so forcefully promised to deliver: after all this time, and after all his effort, it looks like Trump simply won’t be able to grab enough pussy.