The Single Historical Analogy That Explains Donald Trump

In late 1828, Andrew Jackson won a landslide victory that propelled him through a wormhole leading to Samuel Tilden’s scullery, where, unbeknownst to particles of proto-conscious corn that would eventually become Al Gore, a sack of macaroni imported from Italy and made by Benito Mussolini’s mother’s aide-de-camp, Scott Baio (who, prior to inventing and subsequently forgetting the secret to long-term cryogenic storage, accidentally pricked a KKK Grand Wizard [thereby demoting him to Super Elf] whose own affinity for oversized gold lettering would prove a major influence on Adolf Hitler’s artistry and ironic all-capital slogans, particularly “Make Work Free for Palish Folk,” despite offending a variety of minorities he [the aforementioned Super Elf] had liked to collect for “extreme safe-keeping” in equally implausibly large Mason jars, themselves hand-crafted by George or perhaps James Mason under the mind-numbing effects of excessive coiffure, a.k.a. pseudo-wiggery), had been placed that would eventually shake Neville Chamberlain’s appeasement policies and Chairman Mao’s trade bargains to the core of the earth where science can be found alongside microscopic remnants of Visigoth chieftain Aleric I’s universities, which, sadly, did not actually exist and hence provided no real education because his barbarians were in fact looting a decaying empire’s steaks and riches under the guise of a populist restoration of the rule of law in order to build a self-cloning time machine freezer whose replicative defrost mode would provide the appearance of a return to an all-white Ice Age in total defiance of any suggestion of global warming or the existence of other skin colors, and therefore, in time, produce Andrew Jackson again, but dumber, and with nuclear weapons.

However, historians are divided on the matter.

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