I’m Trying to Be Nicer to Racists

It’s been a tough number of weeks for left-wing elitists like myself (rank: private negative third class). Donald Trump lost the election by millions of votes, thereby naturally ensuring him the Presidency. Twitter banned notable white supremacists from its site, only to reinstate them once they had clarified which letters in their names needed umlauts (ä and ü). Hillary Clinton seemed normal when walking in the woods; Star Wars: Rogue One got mixed reviews. What are liberal people suffering from the medical condition known as “tard” (“libtards”) supposed to do?

Well, one thing I’m trying to do is read more fake news. I apparently missed this trendy infotainment consumption option during the campaign season, and am now desperately trying to catch up. I’ve been clicking on every strange-looking photo with a teaser headline on Facebook that I can, especially if it looks like cleavage but is actually just an arm. “Dang it,” I say, “where on the internet can I see a picture of actual cleavage?” I’m convinced that, one of these days, the fake news people are going to go so overboard that they mistakenly show real décolletage, and then I will be vindicated, and have to buy a new, working laptop.



More importantly, I’ve realized that our nation includes a huge number of “alternative conservatives” who have interesting views I’ve never heard before 1900. These “alt-conservatives” or, more colloquially, “racists,” have built a significant online presence by attacking assumptions about political correctness and race consciousness that have insinuated themselves into normal conversation. According to the politically correct crowd, it is no longer appropriate to call people “monkeys” and then innocently pretend you call people of all races monkeys all the time. Whereas people used to be comfortable making jokes about Asians and Mexicans, now we’re forced to acknowledge that they are people with feelings. “Well, what about my feelings?” an alt-right person says, in German. “I have angry, pathologically dissociative feelings, too.”

Now, some people may feel like responding to these shocking attitudes with disgust and outrage—but I’ve been helpfully reminded by my thoughtful friends on the left that name-calling and stigmatization are thoroughly counter-productive activities. Instead of calling things like we see it, liberal-minded folks need to respond with an open heart and reasoned explanations of our own views. It’s the only way we can make progress as a nation.

Therefore, I am determined to draw on my strengths as a sensitive, open-minded individual to respond with tolerance, understanding, and empathy to the arguments of this new generation of complete and total idiots.

  • I get you, Richard Spencer: why shouldn’t you have a whites-only homeland somewhere in Antarctica without winter coats? I would support that.
  • I understand you, Steve Bannon: what’s wrong with calling out “renegade Jews” in your well-respected and poorly formatted online publication for utter dummies? It takes more than three words to figure that one out!
  • And I feel for every dispossessed member of the Neanderthal majority who simply wonders: why can’t we call women horrible names? The nice young white man online told me they like that!

So, for every member of the far-right who is ready for a fruitful dialogue about Big-Government Muslim registries, I’m ready. For every honest conservative who wants a constructive discussion about how to sing “Gosudarstvenný gimn Rossijskoj Federací,” I’m here. It’s been hard on me and my socialist friends, but we’ve finally accepted that we live in a big, diverse country that has room enough both for us…and a bunch of morons.