Six Reasons I Cannot Support Nor Physically Lift Trump’s Supreme Court Pick

Earlier tonight, Donald Trump nominated Neil Gorsuch to replace Antonin Scalia on the Supreme Court. This shocking and completely unexpected development (Trump doing something normal) was met with immediate and fierce opposition from left-leaning groups who criticized Gorsuch’s record on religious freedom and being male with a nose. While those are legitimate worries, there are more significant issues that Americans should be concerned about with this pick. Here are my initial, careless reactions:

  1. Neil Gorsuch looks to be about 6’2’’ and 200 lbs. For this reason alone, I cannot physically support him. Perhaps I could help him limp to a car, or carry a particularly heavy briefcase to a nearby hand-truck, but I simply cannot, in good conscience, hold him up by his armpits.
  2. I haven’t worked out in a while, is the issue. I’ve been working in the office day-in, day-out, and on the weekends, I have to take care of the kids and clean up the house, which my wife refuses to handle completely by herself. Also, have you noticed that it’s still winter? It’s obviously impossible to work out in the winter—you’d freeze to death.
  3. As someone who does not personally know Neil Gorsuch or any of his friends, family, or colleagues, nor lives in or around Washington, DC, I am unlikely to either be in the vicinity of Neil Gorsuch or, even if so, be allowed near him, in the event he requires one of his limbs to be held up or his head prevented from lolling. This makes physically supporting him if/when he trips or ages poorly extremely difficult.
  4. While I am good at providing emotional support (I don’t like to talk and have “resting glaze face”), I do not like touching people in their armpits.
  5. One time I was at a Duke basketball game and the mascot jumped into the stands where I was sitting and began crowd-surfing. It was very frightening, and up close I can confirm that mascots really do smell like rotten turkey meat. Other than that, I have had very little practice in supporting crowd-surfers. Add this to the fact that there is no documented instance of Neil Gorsuch crowd-surfing, and not only can I not do it, there will probably never be an opportunity anywhere to help a Supreme Court justice crowd-surf at a sporting event or rock music concert.
  6. I get physically ill when I see people get hurt—even stubbing a toe, or getting pricked by a bulldozer! If Neil Gorsuch, working in Washington, DC one winter, foolishly decided to work out at a local construction site, and I happened to be visiting DC, and was not in a hotel room trying to avoid freeze death, yet was weak from not exercising all winter long or the previous summer because of El Niño, and he got hit on the head by an I-beam, I would probably feel squeamish for a second, and then he would be dead, or he’d be dead anyway, but without me holding his smushed head, which just thinking about makes me squeamish.

If you’re concerned, as I am, about the possibility of Neil Gorsuch becoming the next Supreme Court justice, call your Congressman now, and ask that you be put through to your Senator, who is part of the body of Congress that votes on Supreme Court appointments. Tell them that you cannot support his nomination, because nominations are concepts that cannot be physically touched or held. Act now!

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