Ladies and gentlemen, members of the press, and my fellow Americans:
Hi! How are you?
Today I am proud to introduce new legislation that will transform the health care market to serve you, the American citizen who earns a lot and already has health care, better. Over a year ago, when I was running for President, I promised to repeal and replace Obamacare if elected. Now, having withdrawn and still believing I would have made a better President than the weirdos who were running, I am happy to fulfill the promise no one wants me to fulfill. My legislation promises more innovation, more patient choice, fewer medical file folders, and a nice logo with stars and stuff. Indeed, I go beyond “repeal and replace” to something I call “peal and place.” It’s simpler, easier, and looks like Obamacare—just stickier, and torn up a lot.
The key to my health care plan—which I refer to as Vaporcare, because it does nothing for anyone—is far lower tax rates. You may think that far lower tax rates has nothing to do with health care, but let me assure you: I mostly care about tax cuts. In addition, I am certain that the only way to make sure every person gets their health care taken away is to use existing subsidies for absolutely nothing. As George Washington should have said: the less we spend, the more freedom happens.
Under my plan, everyone will receive the same exact cut to their tax rates: fivety porcent. Is that a number? Regardless of what the CBO says, the best part about my plan is that every extremely vetted citizen will receive the same percentage cut to their tax rate. It’s an issue of fairness. While some might complain that the rich will receive massive financial gains while the middle class gets pennies, in reality, I don’t want to talk about that. The middle class and lower, cave-dwelling classes are getting the same modest tax rate cut that everyone else is, and we shouldn’t demonize the wealthy just because some of them working on Wall Street are, in reality, demons.
With Vaporcare, millions of taxpaying Americans will have the freedom to choose exactly how they’d like to not receive any medicine. They can choose to make appointments that aren’t doctor’s appointments, see any medical provider they wish from a distance, and select the best plan for their meals. If you like your eye doctor, you can keep him locked in a basement after kidnapping him. If you like your teeth doctor, then you’re nuts—everyone hates teeth doctors. Once you’ve signed up for Vaporcare (it requires no sign-up), you can make the decisions that are best for you and your family, all without the burden of a government insisting that you not wait until deathly ill to go to the ER on Saturday night. Wait until Sunday—whatever you have probably won’t get worse.
The draft bill that I plan to introduce in full sometime after it has already failed does the following:
- It throws millions of Americans off Medicaid—literally. If they weren’t standing on Medicaid when the pro wrestlers come for them, they will be given a copy of it to stand on. Then they’ll be thrown off Medicaid—hard.
- It provides tax credits to buy health insurance on the individual market, farmer’s markets, pop-up stock exchanges, and Craigslist banjo & fiddle meetup jams.
- It lowers the cost of care by allowing hospitals and other health care providers to refuse to see anyone without health insurance. These people will immediately die outside emergency rooms, saving the rest of us quite a tidy bundle of cash.
- It keeps the parts of Obamacare that everybody loves—Michelle Obama.
- Finally, it ensures access to health care for everybody by…no, sorry, it does not do that.
I have worked closely with members of the Freedom Circus, the Chamber of Secrets, the Club Okay With Growth, and various Iced Tea Gathering associations to craft legislation that will be acceptable to all but the most extreme members of the 57 most centrist Senators. The White House has assured me that it is planning a full-press push to think of a tweet it could send that won’t object to my plan. So I urge you and your friends to call your Representative and tell them to vote for Vaporcare—the health care plan that I didn’t think about at all.