NEWSFLASH: Paul Ryan Promises To Stop Bothering Neighbors, Take It Indoors

In an unprecedented procedural move, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan today notified the public that he apologizes for the disruption and will ask his family to take it indoors. Speaking from an overturned crate of Milwaukee’s Best, Ryan indicated that while Representative Chris Collins (R-NY) promised him he could have a pool party to celebrate the seventh anniversary of Obamacare, he had to plan the gathering himself.

Confronted by a visibly distraught and obviously drunk Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), who yelled something about the port-a-potty having fallen over, Ryan reminded him that it was a bounce house, not a port-a-potty. Representative Cathy McMorris Rodgers (R-WA) intervened to solve the dispute via saying nasty things about both of them, quietly.

After getting everyone inside, Ryan went on to say, however, that there was little he could do about Representative Mark Meadows (R-NC), who’s a bit of an ass and probably ate the rest of his P90X supplements.

Meadows and his best friend Representative Dave Brat (R-VA) were last seen playing an unconventional game of horseshoes in which the horseshoes were empty beer bottles and the stakes were an elderly couple trying to get to a doctor’s appointment.

Ryan promised to come out later to clean everything up. “It’s a mess, sure,” the Speaker said, “but it’s supposed to rain tomorrow.”

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