William Billson (Executive Vice President)—The Midwest management sensation returns to the company for the first time since his debut as a younger, more interesting version of himself. Billson is a vocal powerhouse known for his sense of humorlessness, a seven-time winner of corporate retreat trust-building exercises (due to his girth, making him easy to land on), and the first executive team member to successfully operate his own videoconferencing equipment. Billson is currently taking time off from the office so that his job can be done by the division manager, like usual.
Helenlyn Waugh (Division Manager)—Broadway: She’s a fan. Off-Broadway: Never gone. National tours: Phish. Television: Scandal, American Ninja Warrior, sometimes 60 Minutes if it’s on and she has nothing better to do. Lunch: Salad every single day. Taste in clothing: Macy’s. Health problem: Dry hacking. Desk: Standing. Pictures: Those are her cat, but she has four children.
Lionel Finnegan (Senior Analyst/Janitor)—For Hannah. Glory be to God. Go Packers. Say hi to Mom. Death to the Bears. Proud Netflix member. Praise be. Thank goodness. Whew. I made it. WTF? Mop the floors? I have an MBA. Screw you. I quit. Love to all peoples.
Chris Milquetoe (Junior Analyst/Janitor)—Original office member. Appeared as Assistant Analyst in “Research Department,” Associate Analyst in “Corporate Counsel,” and Senior Analyst in “Marketing,” before joining “Facilities” as the newest Analyst for doorknobs and broomsticks. Chris lives in the West End Apartments near the mall, off I-94, by the rest stop.
Anne Haveaway (Sales/Gossip)—A New Yorker born and bred and driven partially insane by the toxic level of air pollution in her brain tissue, Anne is thrilled to bring her talents for gossip and destructive innuendo to the staid world of office politics. For years, Anne has observed suspicious office supply runs, subtle clues to inter-office affairs, and many disgusting personal habits (nose-picking, porn, under-desk spittoons). In fact, Anne is surprised you’re reading this.
Barbary Barbell (Administrative Assistant) is elated to be working here—or at any job—having been previously fired at Wells Fargo, Volkswagen, Madoff Investment Securities LLC, Enron, Chipotle, Trump’s Taj Mahal, a volunteer for the local history park, and Lowe’s hammer department. For more info, don’t visit the internet.
John Thomas (Technical Support)—Not to be confused with John Thomas (Intern), who actually knows why you can’t access your fucking files.
Liz Bordalello (Human Resources)—Long-time director of television remotes and award-winning-show watcher, Liz makes her triumphant return to HR after a brief stint in accounting, where she learned how numbers work. Founder of St. Anselm Lutheran Church’s Women’s Saturday Morning Breakfast Eat-Pray-Lovefest. Most recently seen by other co-workers, who didn’t recognize her now that she’s a woman.
John Thomas (Intern)—This is John Thomas’s second unpaid internship, not counting the two we’d prefer to ignore. Previously appeared at Starbucks yesterday morning. Not to be confused with John Thomas (Technical Support), who always wears a bow-tie in addition to being a world-class idiot.
Richard “Dick” Earl Adams (Sales/Pranks)—Dick is making his debut at the office after a stellar run with college. B.A., B.S., GPA, KA, T&A, business major/computer applications minor. Along with his work designing future lawsuits against the company, Dick enjoys manufacturing and distributing artisanal elephant tranquilizer for cutting into heroin. Dick will go to jail one day.
Drew Ailiaga (Telecommuter)—Credits include: Chase, Bank of America, American Express, two car payments, first and second mortgages, three separate child-support payments, and several restraining orders. Drew lives in Oregon with his new wife, a sheep, and two step-daughters, both squirrels.
Sarah Melissa-Jenkings (Travel Coordinator)—Sarah is honored to have an office with a door that closes to prevent the cubicled riff-raff from disrupting her easily perturbed serenity. Recently, Sarah was inducted into the Hall of Fame of Wickstone Elementary School PTA. Recently, Sarah was awarded a McArthur “genius” grant certificate, printed by Dick, who thought it was quite funny, despite the waves of haughty disapproval emanating from Anne. Recently, Sarah bought a gun.
Tony Gram (Consultant)— Tony is incredibly excited to join the office for a short time before recommending a harsh round of layoffs and collecting his “golden gold bars.” He is a distinguished visiting adjunct assistant professor at the University of Milwaukee at South Milwaukee’s School of Administering Business, having earned his doctorate in Corporate Forbidden Relations from CUNY-Mumbai. He has appeared in numerous companies and is an expert in ice-breaking and life-ruining. On the lighter side, he performs regularly with his family, the Van Tropp Familiar Singsongers, at festivals across the country, including Horribly Itching Man and Bonna-poo-poo-who-yoo. Tony also wrote the lyrics to “Single Ladies” down one time. In addition, he formed his own cricket team in 1973 and was the President of MCC in 2002. Whoops, sorry! That last part was about Tim Rice. Tony lived in India for 10 years but still doesn’t know what cricket is—or business.