There’s a Perfectly Rational Explanation for this Partisan Witch Hunt

Clearly, Donald Trump is a witch.

This may come as a surprise to fans who recognize that Harry Potter is real and that “wizard” is the proper term for a male magician. However, we have been living in the Age of the Unprecedented, where gender roles are fluid and racial categories are gaseous. Men can have gender reassignment surgery. Certain kinds of women can refuse to join the circus. Taylor can be used for a boy OR a girl OR a cat. Everything is not as simple as it was when we were five years old, in 1954.

Let me be clear. I’m not saying that Donald Trump is a woman, only that Donald Trump is being pursued like a woman—a magical, evil woman.

I should note that I do not believe Donald Trump is, in fact, magical. Despite extensive investigation, there has been no evidence that suggests he can pull a thought out of his brain or make an investigation disappear. The closest Trump has come to bewitching the American population is to complete the thorough partisan divide that Rush Limbaugh, Roger Ailes, and a tiny number of neo-fascists had already started, totally unencouraged by him. Never mind that Kellyanne Conway is quite obviously a wood elf and Steve Bannon an unusually intelligent yet physically weak troll. Trump has merely accelerated the trend of bitter ideological conflict by destroying the democratic process one mesmerizing 140-character incantation at a time. He has defied democratic norms with the impunity of someone with a mutant charm, obstructed justice without the slightest consequence, and seen his chosen death-eaters beat up Muggle reporters and still get elected to the Congressgamot.

Wait a second—Trump IS magical!

Of course, whether Trump is evil or not is an open question. While some on the left wish to rush to judgment, it’s important that we saunter towards it—appearing too eager is classless. Trump’s inner circle of political allies and immediate family members and himself certainly seem to have betrayed the nation by attempting to trade foreign policy for personal financial favors, but appearances can be deceiving. Perhaps Trump’s team is attempting to trade the destruction of democracy for continuing Russian suppression of evidence about his own repulsive debauchery. Perhaps they are only exploring a trade of U.S. state secrets for new Russian business opportunities that have nothing to do with Trump’s long-standing personal indebtedness to Vladimir Putin.

The point is this: Donald Trump IS evil!

Well, that’s weird. Not sure how I got there.


From right to left: warlock, sorceress, enchantress, witch, priest.

I am suddenly concerned that I am under the malign influence of some spell-binding force which causes everything I view to appear as through a glass, darkly with sloshing noises. Every media outlet has been hexed by the strange conviction that their reporting is the manifest truth, and not some twisted version of events whose actual reality is too horrendous to contemplate, but not horrendous enough to avoid hinting at strongly, with grunts. Fox News has been seized with spasms of concern about looking worse than normal; the Washington Post is feasting by the light of the moon as democracy dies in darkness; is a thing. You can watch Saturday Night Live sketches online during the days that aren’t Saturday! I’m very concerned and disturbed.

Until we get to the bottom of this, I urge all citizens to remain alert and suspicious. Call your Congresswizard and tell him/it that you demand a full investigation. Follow the news carefully, but several paces behind, and while wearing sunglasses. Always carry a cauldron. Avoid water.

I’m not sure what’s going on with this country—and I don’t know if Donald Trump is a real powerful witch, or just kind of average—but I do know one thing: This is a trial by fire.