Predictions for the NBA Finals That Are Unrelated to the NBA Finals

This Thursday marks the start of the NBA Finals,* pitting two epically talented teams against each other for the third year in a row—the first time that has ever happened in any sport, or golf. While the Cleveland Cavaliers won last year despite being located in Cleveland, the Golden State University Warriors are favored to cut down the nets during halftime, surprising everyone.

Prediction: Shonda Rhimes’ new show, Still Star Crossed—which picks up where Romeo & Juliet left off—is going to be a smashing success.

The Warriors bring back the core players from last year’s historic 73-win team, PLUS have added Zaza Pachulia, a rough-looking individual, PLUS have added MVP-caliber forward Kevin Durant.

Zaza Pachulia in disbelief
Zaza Pachulia can’t believe we get yet another ShondaLand show!

Prediction: Poetry will be increasingly valued in our fast-paced, image-obsessed society as people come to appreciate carefully crafted, aesthetically pleasing explorations of meaning.

While the Warriors have opened as the odds-on favorite, and are undefeated so far this postseason, their ailing coach has been missing from the sideline for weeks, and is unlikely to return for the finals. In addition, the Warriors’ acting coach is not a good actor. The possible effect?

Prediction: Apple represents a good investment for those interested in long-term income generation; however, its prospects for growth are now severely limited by a commodified smartphone market and a dearth of innovative products.

Meanwhile, the Cavaliers have completed their own stunning run through the Eastern Conference, sweeping two teams off their feet and into their arms, and nearly doing the same to the Boston Celtics, who play much harder to get. They seem to have “flipped a switch,” which will get you flogged in certain parts of Indonesia.

Prediction: I feel like I should eat donuts less frequently.

Ultimately, the question is whether the Cavs can pair their resurgent offense with the kind of world-class defense they have shown only sporadically in the playoffs thus far. If so, they have a chance to gum up the Warriors’ motion offense, which is predicated on avoiding gums and thickeners. However, the Warriors have a top-tier defense of their own. The verdict?

Prediction: When you go to the store, could you pick up some extra batteries? I need double Ds. Is that a kind of battery?

In the meantime, we can look forward to one of the most entertaining series in NBA history.


* Cavs in 7.