Here, Read My Funny Column About the Degradation of the Earth

Oh, man! Can you believe what Trump did? You couldn’t write a funnier headline! He withdrew from an international agreement that every country on earth had signed! Except Syria and Nicaragua—our best friends, obvi! Hilarious!

Better yet, it was an agreement that didn’t even legally bind the U.S. to anything! It was like filing for divorce from your dog! LOL! You can’t marry a dog!

And did you see that he had a jazz band playing music before his announcement? There were some uproarious memes on Facebook about that! I bet you can guess what they are. Some of them involved a fiddling Nero! LMAO!!

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This one was everywhere! So, so humorous.

Oh, then Elon Musk said he was going to leave Trump’s business council because of the Trump’s administration denial of basic science. Har-har! One billionaire getting in a tiff with another billionaire on Twitter. You’d be called crazy if you wrote a TV script like that! Totally insane!!!!

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The best part was Trump saying he would choose Pittsburgh over Paris. The jokes write themselves! In fact, the people of Pittsburgh got to work right away on them! Though, honestly, they kind of missed the mark. I mean, I’m all for deadpan humor, but this was just sad.

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Anyway, who can believe all these crazy headlines!? A guy who’s in the pocket of Russian oligarchs withdraws from a major international accord in order to let American companies pollute more in the future. I guess he’s got some property in Novosibirsk he’d like to see be a little more tropical! Amirite?

I’m so tired from laughing that my eyes are watering and my stomach hurts. I’m pretty sure it was laughter, because I was doubled over—ROFL! In fact, I’m still curled up on the ground because of it! Ha-ha-ha! I’m soaking wet, too, not from rising sea levels, but from my tears! Or possibly sweat, because of the intense heat wave! He’s killing me! And life as we know it!

It’s too much! My jaw hurts! I have lactic acid burn from too little oxygen! My head aches and I may have sharted!

Please, make it stop!

Please.