Once I Win the Lottery, I Am Going to Get My Shit Together

Did you hear how big the jackpot is getting? It’s huge! I think I’ll buy a ticket. I don’t usually play the lottery, but when the amount is over half a billion…I start getting interested.

I know what you’re going to say: the lottery is almost impossible to win, because it’s, uh, a lottery. But someone has to win! So what if many millions of people have to lose, too? You can’t win if you don’t play and lose over and over and over again. Besides, I heard from a Chick-fil-A nugget-boxer that the odds of winning increase each time no one wins. Your chances of hitting the jackpot only increase as the possible numerical combinations stay the same and millions of more people play it simultaneously! Something to do with trigonometry, they say.

Besides, I have big dreams for what I would do with that money. First of all, I am going to get my car inspected. It is making me a nervous wreck that I’ve waited so long. Second of all, once the car is inspected and I’ve paid for my annual registration sticker, because I’ve been worrying about my expired registration, too, I am going to get in that car, go vacuum it out and run it through the car wash, and drive that shiny new toy to the local community college, so I can register for a computer programming course. You know what they say: an education pays for itself.

After I finish my education and improve my long-term earnings prospects, as well as inculcate a life-time love of learning, the next thing I’m going to do with my newfound billions is start exercising regularly. I’ll finally have the time and money—even after paying my new insurance premiums—to buy a treadmill or join a discount gym and get in the best shape of my life! I am going to consult an in-network physician and develop a diet and exercise plan that has modest but incrementally increasing goals, putting me on the path for a healthy and energetic life-style. No one will be able to tell me not to! I’ll be super-rich!

The thing I am most looking forward to is being able to contribute to a retirement account—maybe multiple retirement accounts, like a regular IRA, a Roth IRA, and a company-sponsored 403(b) or 401(k), depending on the sector of the economy I find myself working in after my four years of college and probably a Master’s program. I heard from the 7-11 soda-line hooker-upper that you can’t just depend on Social Security these days, especially if you’ve had very few jobs that have been legally recognized as such. The government is just too unreliable—it’s like a massive state-sponsored gambling operation in which only corporate lawyers and government contractors win! Nope: once I win the lottery, I am going to be fully independent.

Oh, and I’m going to move to a new apartment. My current apartment has a severe problem with roaches. I think it has to do with all the dead rats.

But I don’t want to think about that right now. Right now, I want to think about how I can get to the convenience store, because the road to it leads right past a police station, and I am so nervous about getting a ticket. Wait! I could walk there! If only I had the energy. It’s like half a mile away, and that would take me, um, probably a couple hours. Maybe less. If only I knew something about quantum mechanics! I bet I could figure it out.

I may not know statistics…but I know dreams.

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